The second part of the Pluto transit was when Pluto was directly in contact with my natal Moon. This meant that I would have many memories and old emotions come up for me from my past, to be processed and released. It was a profound exploration that required me to delve deep into the recesses of my inner world. You can read my old article about my initial emotional responses here.
It took a lot of work to tune into my world. And I tried as much as possible to give myself plenty of space to process all these feelings. As I look back at my old journal entries about my experience, I feel as if there was a lot to process, and as much as I tried to bring it all to the surface, I think I also avoided allowing myself to feel everything. Many times, I’d remember feeling an emotion bubbling up to the surface, and then I’d suppress it by asking myself, “hmmm, so what positive lessons can I learn from this?”. I was quick to dismiss those feelings and perhaps I couldn’t face them all then. When I read my old journal entries or when I re-read my blog posts, I know I haven’t fully processed some of these emotions, because I start to feel the tears and sadness well up within me again. Spiritual bypassing at this difficult time was my method of coping. It was probably too much, too soon for me to handle everything at once. Perhaps it will take me many more years to come to process it all, and I just have to remind myself to be compassionate to myself. I know I couldn’t possibly process it all at once, and neither would trying hard to cry have helped me.
Processing these emotions wasn’t a linear journey; often, the release occurred unexpectedly. One year later, I’d be watching a TV program, and then the story would trigger an emotion in me, and the tears would flow. It might have freaked my husband out initially, but I think he got used to my random emotional outbursts.
Another tool that I used a lot (and I still do) was what I learnt during my days as a Bodytalk Practitioner – Mindscape. It is essentially a visualization tool that helps me to tune into my subconscious or higher mind. I used it the most to help me do self-healing work such as tuning into my body, and also in making decisions that would be more aligned with my own truth.
Post-diagnosis, hubby (Chris) and I decided that it would be good to get more than one doctor’s opinion of my medical situation. We liked the doctor I had a lot, but I thought that since medical opinions can differ pretty vastly in this field, I might as well seek a differing one. So I paid a visit to a good friend’s doctor, who seemed equally capable to me. On paper, this other doctor seemed more qualified, younger, logical and objective, whereas the first doctor was older and more experienced, and had really great rapport with his patients. I think my logical mind decided that I SHOULD go with the second doctor, because she seemed so professional. But I decided to try another way to make this decision instead – to listen to myself, my body my higher mind.
With Mindscape, I called the 2 doctors into my ‘workshop’ and decided to view them through the lens of my higher mind. Turns out that the more ‘professional’ doctor looked a lot like C3P0 from Star Wars (also, highly robotic, although with some human characteristics). The first, older doctor came to me in the form of an angel with huge wings, and I had this sense that he would always be there for me. And in that second, I knew that my body made that decision for me.
Other than support from the therapists I consulted (mentioned in my next 2 blog posts), journaling and visualization via Mindscape because my main tools for healing. And today, they’re very much a part of my own self-healing work.
I believe that I was in the thick of the transit at this time, even though there would be some months before the actual astrological position (ie Pluto conjunct my natal Moon) was going to happen.
A friend of mine asked me if I was going to give any tips to people who are going through a Pluto transit.
Here is my response…
You can expect Pain, Tears, Sorrow, Anxiety, and there is nothing you can do to stop events from happening. Your emotional responses will surface too. Pluto will help you break down the old stuff you don’t need anymore, but the journey is THROUGH it all, not by bypassing or avoiding it. This is like a detox – the toxins will emerge and they need to be released. However, know that you are not weak for feeling everything. You are not defined by your emotions. In order for us to be able to taste the sweetness of life in all those joyful feelings, we must also be able to feel the other end of the spectrum. I wrote about how feeling the Pain allowed me to grieve the loss of my breasts and move on. It was so interesting that after that, I started to look at healing in a very different manner – I drew a few mandalas too. Allowing myself to feel Pain was the doorway to feeling whole.
Today, I’m re-releasing 2 blog posts that were written right before and after the double mastectomy surgery.
If you’re still reading this, I hope this has given you some courage to face your adversity. As painful as an experience is, and as much as you’d feel you want to die from it, know that the Universe only sends you what you needed to experience at this point in time, no more.
Much love, Tonya.
9 Dec 2023
In my next post, I will talk about what Cancer and healing means to me. Follow me on Instagram to be updated about my next posts.